February 23
An odd day in Kharkiv. Wednesday. It’s nonetheless winter, however spring is already within the air. I take my son to high school, perform a little work within the morning, take into consideration my deadline — I want to complete my kids’s fairy story by the top of the month. The solar is shining brightly, so I placed on a lightweight coat and sun shades and head out to satisfy a good friend I haven’t seen in months.
We meet in a café downtown. My good friend tells me that she has simply purchased an residence. I’m shocked, as a result of the scenario right here appears unsure. I need to say this, however I chew my tongue.
I take my son to capoeira coaching, and slip away to purchase a leather-based biker jacket — I’ve so many clothes, the jacket will give them a extra trendy look. I’ve three new books popping out, two kids’s tales and a younger grownup novel in regards to the struggle in Donbas, so I want lots of lovely clothes for displays. I assist my son along with his homework. As soon as he has fallen asleep, I pour a glass of white wine. Nervousness. I am going to mattress after midnight.
February 24 — day one
Explosions throw me away from bed. I pull again the curtain — it’s nonetheless darkish exterior, automobile alarms are screaming. I take a look at my smartphone: 5am. Somebody runs exterior, attempting to determine what’s going on. The explosions proceed. The home windows are shaking, the glass is ringing. The home appears to be pulsating. My husband Ihor is already getting dressed. “What it’s?” — I ask, though I do know the reply. “That is it. It’s began,” he replies, pulling on his denims.
“It” is the Russian invasion, the factor that has been talked about a lot up to now few months, however which, stubbornly, no one believed would occur. It was so laborious to think about that individuals began utilizing it as a meme to get out of issues they didn’t need to do: “Let’s do it after the invasion.”
The explosions proceed. “Pack your stuff, you must go away,” says my husband. I attempt to protest, suggesting I wait till the night, however ultimately hand over, pack two small backpacks and put the cat right into a provider. I wake my son. He’s confused about why he doesn’t must go to high school, then hears the explosions and begins crying.
We go to my husband’s good friend’s place, to select up his cat. He meets us already wearing camouflage with a big backpack. He’s a paramedic and intends to go to a army unit right away. We barely stuff our backpacks into one other good friend’s automobile — he’s taking his spouse and small baby out of town. I say goodbye to my husband, who’s staying on to defend Kharkiv. On the roads, there are miles of horrible site visitors jams, and the radio carries information of missile strikes throughout Ukraine.
Lastly, after an hour and a half, we attain the ring highway — and see a convoy of army automobiles, tanks and infantry shifting across the village of Lyptsy in direction of Kharkiv. The automobiles are marked with a white letter “Z”. These are the automobiles of the Russian occupants. To us, the letter means “zombies”.
We arrive in Poltava. My husband’s good friend, alongside along with his spouse and his baby, carries on into the unknown — there isn’t a one they’ll go to. I spend the remainder of the day scrolling via the information on the Telegram messaging app.
February 25 — day two
I can’t sleep, can’t eat. We’re shut sufficient to Kharkiv to listen to the earth shake because the Russians shell town. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Melancholy. Acceptance. I’ve gone via all of the levels of consciousness of the struggle. I shudder on the loud sounds, and don’t let go of my telephone. My husband writes that he has already joined the territorial defence — a battalion fashioned by former IT specialists, designers, lecturers and different common residents to guard town. There are such a lot of candidates that solely these with fight expertise are accepted.
My dwelling in Kharkiv is in an space known as Saltivka, half-hour from the border with Russia. And it’s this space that has been below relentless shelling for the reason that first day of the struggle, though there are not any army amenities right here, solely residential high-rises. They shell this space utilizing “Grads”, “Hurricanes”, “Tornadoes” and God is aware of what else. Later comes the worst — air raids.
“I’ve by no means seen air raids reside, solely within the motion pictures,” my good friend Alyona writes to me. “However after I heard that sound, I instantly realised — that is it. It is extremely troublesome to explain these emotions — horror, panic, worry? It feels as if consciousness has separated from the physique, all feelings have disappeared, and solely the entire feeling of all-consuming horror stays.”
It’s a sleepless evening once more for me, with my telephone in my arms. And ideas — if solely we may maintain Kharkiv and Kyiv.
February 26 — day three
Kharkiv and, notably, Saltivka are below shelling consistently. My nine-year-old son’s classmates sit in bomb shelters and basements as a substitute of sitting at desks. Kindergartens, colleges and homes have been destroyed.
“It’s a terrorist tactic to take civilians hostage to pressure a army give up,” says my colleague Marina, a journalist. In 2014, town miraculously escaped the destiny of Donetsk and Luhansk, which turned the capitals of so-called folks’s republics. “Putin hates our metropolis as a result of Kharkiv didn’t turn into the capital of collaborationist Ukraine; as a result of, though it’s Russian-speaking, it didn’t greet the occupants with flowers.”
The largest mistake of the Russians was to contemplate the Ukrainian mentality just like their very own, and our peoples fraternal. Now the distinction in world view is apparent.
Day six
I’ve misplaced observe of the date, the day of the week. At 8am, the Russians attacked Kharkiv’s central Freedom Sq., firing a rocket on the constructing the place the Regional Defence Headquarters is situated. The shelling continues. Individuals who had gone out to purchase water and meals are killed. I see an image of a lady mendacity close to a retailer, her legs torn off. Just a few days in the past, such pictures couldn’t have been imagined in European Ukraine. We want Nato’s assist to impose a no-fly zone over Ukraine. In any other case, the Russians will proceed to kill us.
I examine my Fb. Lots of of standing updates from my buddies, all in regards to the struggle. “The bombing doesn’t cease,” writes Olena. “We’re hiding within the basement of our college. One thing massive is falling very shut by. In the event that they destroy the substation and the lights exit, we received’t have the ability to keep right here any extra. Very scared. Very.”
My mom and I make our strategy to our hometown, near Kharkiv. The place is in a state of panic. There is no such thing as a bread or different staple merchandise, however crowds of individuals and vehicles. Greater than 100 folks need to withdraw money from the one ATM. The cash runs out shortly. Queues, queues, queues. I handle to purchase 5kg of cat meals — this can be a appreciable happiness. In the meantime, my husband writes that his fight boots have torn, and I’m beginning to do what I’ve been doing since 2014 to quell the paralysing worry that Russia will come to my land, my dwelling and take every part away. I’m changing into just a little volunteer once more.
Day seven
I attempt to write between trying to find fight boots, medication, and energy retailers. I do know I want to inform the world what is occurring right here. “Write to us about tradition in Kharkiv,” a Polish journalist suggests. “We don’t have tradition proper now,” I reply. “We solely have a steady round the clock hell.”
In every part I write, I emphasise that the Russians are usually not our brothers. The one flowers that may greet them in Ukraine are funeral wreaths.
Kharkiv, a metropolis that had sturdy household and financial ties with Russia earlier than the struggle, has already handed some extent of no return. It appears to me that the Russians themselves are usually not but conscious of the ability of hatred they’ve aroused. Our kids already despise them — and it was not us who taught them this sense, however the occupiers themselves.
Within the night I hear {that a} missile has hit a territorial defence HQ. My husband doesn’t reply to my messages. My arms shake. I can’t assist however cry. It’s solely hours later that I obtain a message from him: “OK”. For the primary time for the reason that outbreak of the struggle, I sleep for six entire hours.
Day 13
In the present day I caught myself pondering: every part that was earlier than the struggle is as if from a previous life. In the present day I learn in our constructing chat that the doorway subsequent to mine was hit.
I solely remorse not taking two issues from our residence — a Ukrainian flag and my embroidered shirts. However I’ll undoubtedly come again for them.
Yuliya Iliukha is a author from Kharkiv
Voices of Ukraine
Learn extra private accounts of the struggle in Ukraine:
Author Oleksandr Mykhed on the language of struggle
Kyiv diary from journalist Kristina Berdynskykh, who asks: ‘Was I proper to not go away?’
Novelist Haska Shyyan on telling her daughter in regards to the struggle
An interview with film-maker Sergei Loznitsa: ‘Lies convey us to the disaster we face’